| colour her red. |
[31 Mar 2004|11:17am] |
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mood |
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 nothings what it seems |
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music |
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round-and-round-the-fozzberry-bush |
] |
somehow you expect someone to stay the way they were when you last saw them. it shouldn't surprise you that her hair is longer, or that she has a black necklace instead of that red one she always used to wear. its been a year. a little over it in fact. it's just that.. yes, this shouldn't bother you.
you can't pretend that things were like last year, when you saw her twirling in the field. the blur of her red skirt sharp against the green-ness of everything. when she tumbled to the ground laughing so hard her eyes were closed. watching her friend toss a handful of grass at her. the smile on her face softening the gesture she makes so you know she's joking. she doesn't really mean it. they don't know they have an audience. you fall in love for two minutes flat.
i still don't know her name.
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| we were young, we were wrong |
[31 Mar 2004|11:04am] |
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mood |
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 imwrongimwrongimwrongitsright |
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music |
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paint it black [the rolling stones] |
] |
why is it that every word i utter falls flat on the space in front of me, and nobody notices. and i could not capture how this all tastes, feels, smells, looks, sounds.
taste? the saltwater spraying on my face, the wind is tugging at my hair, the boat rocking under me in a sweet, sad lulluby.
he stands in front. he is the son of the sea, my golden boy. i wish i could trade my life for his. seep into his coffee colored skin. and not be the girl just watching as the sun kisses the sea. his life was.. i could almost taste it.
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| "you should name yourself rain" :) |
[21 Mar 2004|09:45pm] |
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mood |
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 colorful strange |
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| [ |
music |
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people are strange [the doors] |
] |
it was paul's first time in octopus and she said "sino 'to? i can see you in her!". she was holding up an Emily bag. haha.
( whenyourestrange )
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| so did i win? |
[13 Mar 2004|11:11pm] |
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mood |
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 tiny glass dancers break |
] |
| [ |
music |
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tiny dancer [tori amos] |
] |
his hair is shorter. when we were still together he asked me if he should get his haircut, i said no, no, keep it that way. and it's dark in the parking lot, but not really because of the sterile whiteness the flourescent light gave off. he took me in his arms when i refused to sit on his lap. he said he missed me. missed talking and being with and kissing me. you do know you meant a lot to me. he said he was sorry for breaking up with me [wait a minute, i thought i was the one who decided i want out]. he said he knew i was hurt, so i didn't answer. and when i told him not to feel bad, he asked me if i was glad we broke up. yes, yes, yes, yes, yes i said it couldn't have worked out any other way but i don't know if he knew what i meant. i'm not bitter. i'm not. i didn't get hurt. so why all the fuss? and he has me facing him. i'm in his arms and facing him. i don't know how, but i am. would you mind if i did something stupid? he asks i do, i do, i do, i do, i do oh, it depends i tell him. then he tries to kiss me. no i push him away. okay, he says, okay. then he has to go. i get a feeling he never wants to see me again. a kiss on the cheek. goodbye. take care of yourself.
you know what i miss most about him? that monday, when he cut his psych class to keep me company. we sat on a ledge and talked. just talked. it rained and i held my hand under the ateneo sky and it was okei even though i didn't belong there. we weren't even together then.
i said i wanted to hurt him. i wanted to see if i could make him fall in love with me. he was sooooooooo mind over heart [emotions don't count. oh, yes they do. they do! ]. one day he'll fall in love and he'll hurt and he'll hurt and he'll hurt. i'm just sorry i'm not the one.
no spaces.
11:11. make a wish
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| imprints on the window |
[06 Mar 2004|08:13pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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creep [radiohead] |
] |
the world is so big and i pressed my hand against the window. my fingers left a smear on the glass that separates me from the dark outside.
it was dark inside too.
but we left each golden orb of electric light. light after light after light, and one more.
i'm sharing breathing space with three strangers plus seven more in front. they will stay strangers.
the man sitting across me was talking to his mistress. earlier, he had been talking to his wife.
i will stay a stranger.
what if the man with the mistress dies tomorrow?
what if the little girl i passed on the street grows up to be a whore?
what if the guy whose eyes met mine for a moment kills himself?
i wouldn't know.
what if i wouldn't care?
what if i..?
they wouldn't care.
nobody would.
i'm so small and i feel like crying.
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| if i had a black cat, i'd name it mystery |
[01 Feb 2004|10:54pm] |
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mood |
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strange strange strange |
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| [ |
music |
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vincent [josh groban] |
] |
maybe i should get bangs too. and a streak of red, since no one seems to want to let me dye everything red.
i have a paper due. a memoir. i don't know where to start.
well maybe.. maybe i should start at the part where im lying on the black couch in unit 203. when i notice that the different-colored paper cranes are still there. they've been there before the day i first went there. that was the day after my boyfriend broke up with me. i locked myself out the balcony. that night, i pressed my hand against the rough opposite wall. i didn't cry. i never felt the need to.
"and the music keeps on playing..
..but the words elude me"
the story of my life. the life of my story. ahh. i'm back to being cryptic. like paper cranes. or paper stars. or star fish. :)
the ghost has turned eighteen. he has started writing again.
peoplewentissheageniusandisaidyes lent me smoke and mirrors which was supposed to go home with samuel but ended up with me instead :) <3
oh, and i lied down under the stars with rose red and fingered the smooth grey pebbles in our backyard while yayasars strummed and sang.
and then..
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[24 Jan 2004|08:44pm] |
the world is covered in a purple blanket tonight and a sliver of a moon lies on it. the brightest star shines to its right.
and i remember how soft the first sunrise was.
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| i have so much to say.. |
[11 Jan 2004|12:30am] |
..about this day. but i can't. i shall leave it at that.
maybe for another day
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| enchanted kingdom last 29th |
[01 Jan 2004|01:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 mellow |
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music |
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mean to me [tonic] |
] |
for one moment, i could almost taste the sky..
i would rather look up than look to where im falling to [refer to subject heading refer to my life]
a little stranger in a pink dress staring at me, clutching the white, dusty grills of our gate with her small small hands. she smiles then runs.
i wake up, my back hurting from being curled up for hours. body tangled in patterned cotton sheets. memories of redand yellow sparks disappearing in smoke. my eyeliner had not been completely washed off. its a new year.
perfection litters my floor.. looking up at me from torn glossy pages. other random articles like a bottle of glue, a cutter, little wooden boxes cradling necklaces and bracelets and pendants and a little bit of me in them, black nail polish, books and notebooks pages yellowed by time, julian's season of mists, scented candles and incense sticks. but perfection! perfection.. soft curves and shiny hair. still indifferent to the clutter surrounding them. untouched by the harshness of reality. and i haven't even properply washed my dark, smeared eyeliner off.
"why do you hate yourself so much?"
*smile* he doesn't believe when i tell him that i don't.
but i wake up with my doggie sleeping outside my bedroom door. she snores. heh. it's going to be okei.
well, here's to the new year. people usually say to new begginings, but here's to another end. *smile*
"to absent friends, lost loves, old gods, and the season of mists; and may each and everyone of us always give the devil his due."
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| it's gone |
[28 Dec 2003|04:51am] |
| [ |
mood |
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sad |
] |
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music |
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she came home for christmas [mew] |
] |
its cold and i thought i haven't been the best girlfriend either and one more chance isn't much and maybe i should call
no one was answering their home phone.
his cellphone.
"the number you have dialled is either unattended or out of coverage area.."
i couldn't reach him.
called him every half hour. and sometimes even less. just to check. i sent him texts.
hours later a text message:
Hey sweetie. Gs wt? M n baguio.
Its nys hre. Wsh u wr wth me.
Sent:
27-Dec-2003
21:31:52
and i had thought hell, i haven't been the best girlfriend either and maybe i should give things another chance
there are no more chances. fuck, there's nothing left.
i can't reach him.
not anymore.
who am i kidding?
love wasn't meant for people like me.
how can i hope to hold something so beautiful?
it will just disappear like when you touch a bubble.
elude you like smoke snakes your fingers.
or hurt you like fire burns your skin.
it's so cold.
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| so cold. |
[26 Dec 2003|11:00pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
] |
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music |
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my immortal |
] |
"agit? sorry. i'm drugged out blowing bubbles lying on my bedroom floor. that is not a good way to be.."
passed out for a good eight hours according to izual.
i dunno. i was texting someone and watching the bubbles leave me. then i woke up, groggy and two tabs less.
we were spending christmas eve at my dad's girlfriend's family's house and i was dressed all preppy-like [complete with mango sweater and no eyeliner] and i desperately wanted to pop another one that i was on the verge of crying.
december 25. 12:00 am. i was walking my doggie around the village. it was so cold. i wanted to reach the stars.
please don't tell me how drugs are gonna fuck me up. i really don't need that right now. its not gonna be a habit, okei?
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| ..and i don't remember half the things i said that night |
[22 Dec 2003|02:25am] |
| [ |
mood |
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broken |
] |
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music |
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beautiful |
] |
and i'm sorry that i cried. it wasn't your fault, really. i don't really remember what you said exactly but you said that you hated him and you hated the way he treats me and that i was stupid for loving him. [she was chorusing too.]
and i just thought i'm supposed to love him, but i don't
i was just crying really hard and i wouldnt tell carlos why so maybe it kinda looked like that.
i dunno how much rhum i had. im sure it wasnt much. really.
and i remember banana-smelling bubbles and fire and cats and burning leaves and hang-ups [i won't tell! don't worry] and twirling on smokers benches and talking and fireworks and creeks and m&m's and chips and carlos' hat and pictures and cigarettes and select and dirty bathrooms and music and the mystery machine and hoping the drive home would never end [coz i never wanted to go home].
but i don't remember half the things i said that night. tell me if you do.
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| no.. |
[14 Dec 2003|12:50am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blank |
] |
| [ |
music |
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tiny dancer [elton john] |
] |
i can smell him on my skin
Almost Famous. <3
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nikits's journal
paranoid
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