delirium's realm

it's the last minute of the first day of the rest of my life

2004-04-05T15:59:05Z

definitely moved

colour her red.

2004-03-31T03:38:32Z

somehow you expect someone to stay the way they were when you last saw them. it shouldn't surprise you that her hair is longer, or that she has a black necklace instead of that red one she always used to wear. its been a year. a little over it in fact. it's just that.. yes, this shouldn't bother you.

you can't pretend that things were like last year, when you saw her twirling in the field. the blur of her red skirt sharp against the green-ness of everything. when she tumbled to the ground laughing so hard her eyes were closed. watching her friend toss a handful of grass at her. the smile on her face softening the gesture she makes so you know she's joking. she doesn't really mean it. they don't know they have an audience. you fall in love for two minutes flat.

i still don't know her name.

we were young, we were wrong

2004-03-31T03:17:19Z

why is it that every word i utter falls flat on the space in front of me, and nobody notices. and i could not capture how this all tastes, feels, smells, looks, sounds.

taste? the saltwater spraying on my face, the wind is tugging at my hair, the boat rocking under me in a sweet, sad lulluby.

he stands in front. he is the son of the sea, my golden boy. i wish i could trade my life for his. seep into his coffee colored skin. and not be the girl just watching as the sun kisses the sea. his life was.. i could almost taste it.

you know who you are!

2004-03-24T19:36:13Z

even god breaks at three am

it's looming over our heads.. can you feel it?

2004-03-24T18:58:09Z

and you know what? i miss him. everybody can break at 3 am.

"you should name yourself rain" :)

2004-03-21T13:45:18Z

it was paul's first time in octopus and she said "sino 'to? i can see you in her!". she was holding up an Emily bag. haha.

people are strange the doors people are strange when you're a stranger faces look ugly when you're alone women seem wicked when you're unwanted streets are uneven when you're down when you're strange faces come out of the rain when you're strange no one remembers your name when you're strange when you're strange when you're strange people are strange when you're a stranger faces look ugly when you're alone women seem wicked when you're unwanted streets are uneven when you're down when you're strange faces come out of the rain when you're strange no one remembers your name when you're strange when you're strange when you're strange when you're strange faces come out of the rain when you're strange no one remembers your name when you're strange when you're strange when you're strange i raided marge's dresser and currently have multi-pastel-colored nails. my dad was looking at glass bongs the other day in the shop where i brought him. the vamp went back home today. i miss her. sec.21is going a-swimming tomorrow. i miss girlsfriends. i bought stargirl and a grey shirt thats too big and proclaims that "the strange remains the same". oh. you all seem so far away. :(

so did i win?

2004-03-13T15:13:53Z

his hair is shorter. when we were still together he asked me if he should get his haircut, i said no, no, keep it that way. and it's dark in the parking lot, but not really because of the sterile whiteness the flourescent light gave off. he took me in his arms when i refused to sit on his lap. he said he missed me. missed talking and being with and kissing me. you do know you meant a lot to me. he said he was sorry for breaking up with me [wait a minute, i thought i was the one who decided i want out]. he said he knew i was hurt, so i didn't answer. and when i told him not to feel bad, he asked me if i was glad we broke up. yes, yes, yes, yes, yes i said it couldn't have worked out any other way but i don't know if he knew what i meant. i'm not bitter. i'm not. i didn't get hurt. so why all the fuss? and he has me facing him. i'm in his arms and facing him. i don't know how, but i am. would you mind if i did something stupid? he asks i do, i do, i do, i do, i do oh, it depends i tell him. then he tries to kiss me. no i push him away. okay, he says, okay. then he has to go. i get a feeling he never wants to see me again. a kiss on the cheek. goodbye. take care of yourself.
you know what i miss most about him? that monday, when he cut his psych class to keep me company. we sat on a ledge and talked. just talked. it rained and i held my hand under the ateneo sky and it was okei even though i didn't belong there. we weren't even together then.
i said i wanted to hurt him. i wanted to see if i could make him fall in love with me. he was sooooooooo mind over heart [emotions don't count. oh, yes they do. they do! ]. one day he'll fall in love and he'll hurt and he'll hurt and he'll hurt. i'm just sorry i'm not the one.

no spaces.

11:11. make a wish

insurance is a stupid thing to fight about

2004-03-06T15:38:54Z

it stained her fingers white

and on and on and on through the white-washed walls of my mind

imprints on the window

2004-03-06T12:23:42Z

the world is so big and i pressed my hand against the window. my fingers left a smear on the glass that separates me from the dark outside.

it was dark inside too.

but we left each golden orb of electric light. light after light after light, and one more.

i'm sharing breathing space with three strangers plus seven more in front. they will stay strangers.

the man sitting across me was talking to his mistress. earlier, he had been talking to his wife.

i will stay a stranger.

what if the man with the mistress dies tomorrow?

what if the little girl i passed on the street grows up to be a whore?

what if the guy whose eyes met mine for a moment kills himself?

i wouldn't know.

what if i wouldn't care?

what if i..?

they wouldn't care.

nobody would.

i'm so small and i feel like crying.

if i had a black cat, i'd name it mystery

2004-02-01T15:51:26Z

maybe i should get bangs too. and a streak of red, since no one seems to want to let me dye everything red.

i have a paper due. a memoir. i don't know where to start.

well maybe.. maybe i should start at the part where im lying on the black couch in unit 203. when i notice that the different-colored paper cranes are still there. they've been there before the day i first went there. that was the day after my boyfriend broke up with me. i locked myself out the balcony. that night, i pressed my hand against the rough opposite wall. i didn't cry. i never felt the need to.

"and the music keeps on playing..

..but the words elude me"

the story of my life. the life of my story. ahh. i'm back to being cryptic. like paper cranes. or paper stars. or star fish. :)

the ghost has turned eighteen. he has started writing again.
peoplewentissheageniusandisaidyes lent me smoke and mirrors which was supposed to go home with samuel but ended up with me instead :) <3

oh, and i lied down under the stars with rose red and fingered the smooth grey pebbles in our backyard while yayasars strummed and sang.

and then..

nikits @ 2004-01-24T20:44:00

2004-01-24T12:49:16Z

the world is covered in a purple blanket tonight and a sliver of a moon lies on it. the brightest star shines to its right.

and i remember how soft the first sunrise was.

i have so much to say..

2004-01-10T16:33:20Z

..about this day. but i can't. i shall leave it at that.

maybe for another day

enchanted kingdom last 29th

2004-01-01T07:08:18Z

for one moment, i could almost taste the sky..

i would rather look up than look to where im falling to [~~refer to subject heading~~ refer to my life]

a little stranger in a pink dress staring at me, clutching the white, dusty grills of our gate with her small small hands. she smiles then runs.

i wake up, my back hurting from being curled up for hours. body tangled in patterned cotton sheets. memories of redand yellow sparks disappearing in smoke. my eyeliner had not been completely washed off. its a new year.

perfection litters my floor.. looking up at me from torn glossy pages. other random articles like a bottle of glue, a cutter, little wooden boxes cradling necklaces and bracelets and pendants and a little bit of me in them, black nail polish, books and notebooks pages yellowed by time, julian's season of mists, scented candles and incense sticks. but perfection! perfection.. soft curves and shiny hair. still indifferent to the clutter surrounding them. untouched by the harshness of reality. and i haven't even properply washed my dark, smeared eyeliner off.

"why do you hate yourself so much?"

*smile* he doesn't believe when i tell him that i don't.

but i wake up with my doggie sleeping outside my bedroom door. she snores. heh. it's going to be okei.

well, here's to the new year. people usually say to new begginings, but here's to another end. *smile*
"to absent friends, lost loves, old gods, and the season of mists; and may each and everyone of us always give the devil his due."

it's gone

2003-12-27T20:42:13Z

its cold and i thought i haven't been the best girlfriend either and one more chance isn't much and maybe i should call

no one was answering their home phone.

his cellphone.

"the number you have dialled is either unattended or out of coverage area.."

i couldn't reach him.

called him every half hour. and sometimes even less. just to check. i sent him texts.

hours later a text message:
Hey sweetie. Gs wt? M n baguio. Its nys hre. Wsh u wr wth me. Sent: 27-Dec-2003 21:31:52

and i had thought hell, i haven't been the best girlfriend either and maybe i should give things another chance

there are no more chances. fuck, there's nothing left.

i can't reach him.

not anymore.

who am i kidding?
love wasn't meant for people like me.
how can i hope to hold something so beautiful?
it will just disappear like when you touch a bubble.
elude you like smoke snakes your fingers.
or hurt you like fire burns your skin.

it's so cold.

so cold.

2003-12-26T15:39:56Z

"agit? sorry. i'm drugged out blowing bubbles lying on my bedroom floor. that is not a good way to be.."

passed out for a good eight hours according to izual.

i dunno. i was texting someone and watching the bubbles leave me. then i woke up, groggy and two tabs less.

we were spending christmas eve at my dad's girlfriend's family's house and i was dressed all preppy-like [complete with mango sweater and no eyeliner] and i desperately wanted to pop another one that i was on the verge of crying.

december 25. 12:00 am. i was walking my doggie around the village. it was so cold. i wanted to reach the stars.

please don't tell me how drugs are gonna fuck me up. i really don't need that right now. its not gonna be a habit, okei?

..and i don't remember half the things i said that night

2003-12-21T18:51:34Z

and i'm sorry that i cried. it wasn't your fault, really. i don't really remember what you said exactly but you said that you hated him and you hated the way he treats me and that i was stupid for loving him. [she was chorusing too.]

and i just thought i'm supposed to love him, but i don't

i was just crying really hard and i wouldnt tell carlos why so maybe it kinda looked like that.

i dunno how much rhum i had. im sure it wasnt much. really.

and i remember banana-smelling bubbles and fire and cats and burning leaves and hang-ups [i won't tell! don't worry] and twirling on smokers benches and talking and fireworks and creeks and m&m's and chips and carlos' hat and pictures and cigarettes and select and dirty bathrooms and music and the mystery machine and hoping the drive home would never end [coz i never wanted to go home].

but i don't remember half the things i said that night. tell me if you do.

sometimes i want to leave[?]

2003-12-13T16:57:30Z

"you look lost"
-cheeno oshuree

do i.

no..

2003-12-13T16:54:04Z

i can smell him on my skin

Almost Famous. <3

sometimes you just want to..

2003-12-07T14:10:13Z

scream

thanks to d0ll_parts for the pic.
i miss girlsfriends. i miss misery. i miss djai. i miss. hee. =)

bye

2003-10-20T14:47:14Z

i saw ninna[ninnz] yesterday. i brought home my giant soccer ball and stalked a cute girl. uhmm and the guy from guerilla wear still remembers me. his hair is longer.

i'm glad you're all happy.

we're moving next week..

oh.. and this is such a pretty song [stole it from loki_of_asgard]:

she will be loved maroon 5 Beauty queen of only eighteen She had some trouble with herself He was always there to help her She always belonged to someone else I drove for miles and miles And wound up at your door I've had you so many times but somehow I want more I don't mind spending everyday Out on your corner in the pouring rain Look for the girl with the broken smile Ask her if she wants to stay awhile And she will be loved She will be loved Tap on my window knock on my door I want to make you feel beautiful I know I tend to get so insecure It doesn't matter anymore It's not always rainbows and butterflies It's compromise that moves us along My heart is full and my door's always open You can come anytime you want I don't mind spending everyday Out on your corner in the pouring rain Look for the girl with the broken smile Ask her if she wants to stay awhile And she will be loved She will be loved And She will be loved And She will be loved I know where you hide Alone in your car Know all of the things that make you who you are I know that goodbye means nothing at all Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls Tap on my window knock on my door I want to make you feel beautiful I don't mind spending every day Out on your corner in the pouring rain, oh Look for the girl with the broken smile Ask her if she wants to stay awhile And she will be loved And she will be loved And she will be loved And she will be loved Please don't try so hard to say good bye.

if i were a godess

2003-10-05T08:17:14Z

<td bgcolor="#000000">Name:</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">God/Goddess of</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Beauty</td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Element:</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Metal</td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Animal Companion:</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Rabbit</td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Weak against</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Lightning</td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Weapon:</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Bow and arrow</td></tr>

Become a God or Goddess. by zerogirl

Created with quill18's MemeGen!

"Nikita"

Katie Holmes plays Nikita, who is brokenhearted after being stood up at her wedding. She meets Nina (Jennifer Love Hewitt), who gives her an offer she couldn't refuse. She meets Dave (Ryan Philippe), who likes her but doesn't give a phone number. Nikita is then hired by TV executive Ronnie (Christopher Walken) to star in her own television show.

What's your journal's Hollywood blockbuster?
Created by chickenbarbecue

:) (:

2003-10-03T17:02:42Z

hey you. you know who you are. you have a journal.

broken_shade

the pavement is a sky in itself

2003-10-03T15:59:50Z

and as a kid i walked with my eyes on my toes and yesterday i just remembered why. coz the pavement shimmer shimmers, and it reminded me of what bedroom floors look like after the construction of an art project by the small hands of a child.

like finely broken bottles the pavement glitter glitters into the night.

but when the morning comes, it masks all the shimmering and glittering and it is almost as if nothings there.

but i have seen it

*sigh* everybody's at octoberfest. ):

and i'm not everybody.. heh

lolita nikita

2003-09-30T08:00:25Z

..so yeah, i'm breaking off all connection with him

i am ms grounded

2003-09-21T14:14:08Z

i baked brownies that tasted funny today and uhmmm found out from under the box that the batter was two months expired but yeah it was hokayyyy

oh and my bead bracelet broke into a hundred pieces on the floor. my life seems to be doing the same.